Sexual Abuse by Priests

By Stephen L. Braveman, LMFT, DST
Special to The Herald
July 1, 2002
Monterey, CA

We know that approximately one out of six of all American boys are molested by the time they reach 18 years of age. We do not know how many of these boys are molested by priests. However, we do now know a lot about what happens to these boys as a result of the abuse.

First, is it true? Can boys be molested?  By priests? This was a very common question prior to the past few months. Debunking this myth, that boys can not be molested, especially by people such as women and, in this case, priests, used to consume quite a lot of time and energy. Time spent getting the word out so people would know of such things and do some thing about it. Not any more! Now it seems that every one knows this these facts. And who could not? After all, all one has to do to learn about this is open any newspaper, watch and television news broadcast or listen to the radio news. The word is out and it’s every where!

So why haven’t we all heard about this before? Part of the answer may lie in the fact that an estimated 50% of all molests, males and females combined, are never reported. It is also estimated that only 10% of molested boys ever make such reports.

Why haven’t boys reported when they were sexually abused by priests? Boys, like girls, are frequently threatened by the perpetrator that speaking up will lead to further violence for them selves and/or others. There are fears of not being believed and that reporting may tear the family apart. In addition to these, and many other reasons boys share with girls, boys face challenges to speaking up unique to their gender. Many believe that if they were molested by another male that they are now, or will become, homosexuals. Society tells boys that they should be "tough" and solve their problems on their own. If the boy has an early sexual experience with an older woman they are told they are "lucky!" How embarrassing for a male to admit he has been molested by his mother, aunt, sister or female babysitter! Then there's the strong "Vampire Syndrome" which falsely holds that most sexually abused males will go on to "bite" other victims.

The unwillingness of boys to report when they've been sexually victimized is even greater when the perpetrator is a priest. Bonding with, trusting and learning from our elders is an essential survival mechanism well developed in modern day humans. We put our faith in the hands of adults, believing that what they teach us is not only right but also absolute. To fit in we grasp on to their teachings and become devote followers of the same. At least until we learn there is a reason to question the facts which we were fed.

When one is victimized by a priest the sense of betray is greatly magnified. "But I learned so much from him!" "I had to trust him, or I would never have learned (passed, made it through)………….."  "He was the last person I would have ever expected to hurt me! After all, he’s a representative of GOD!" These statements express common feelings victims have. One such feeling is that of being BETRAYED! Betrayed because these are the ones in life that are expected to love us the most! "How could he…………….!" "I even enjoyed it because I thought he loved me and it was God’s will!!" "I thought I was special to him!"

Betrayal is a very difficult event to recover from. Betrayal leaves the victim with a sense of guilt. A sense that they "should have known better." A sense that they are at fault. In fact, these exact messages are frequently fed to the victim by the perpetrator. "You know you wanted it." "You enjoyed it." "I don't do this with others. You're so special that you made me do it!" These are some of the words used by perpetrating priests to defend their actions.

On top of all this is the problem of being believed if one did speak up. Who would believe them? Priests are commonly well known, well respected, "trusted" individuals in the community. Who is going to believe a child over a priest? Especially if the child had a history of some kind of acting; e.g. small time petty theft, running away, drugs. The vow of secrecy not to tell, not to report, is sealed if the child does speak up and is not believed.

So as the victim of teacher priest sexual abuse grows up they learn and hold on to many self defeating patterns. This may include poor self esteem, lack of assertiveness, inability to stand up for one's rights, inability to speak in public, drug/alcohol abuse and a deliberate effort to sabotage relationships as to not allow others to get "too close" to them. Trust is a big issue. Trust was betrayed by a very special person. "If I can't trust him, who can I trust?" If I couldn't trust my mother/father to protect me, who could I ever trust?"

The severe lack of trust of those in authority positions leads to major difficulties in therapeutic treatment for the survivor. Therapy typically requires a person to enter a private room with some one who is relatively a stranger. The door is frequently locked. The victim is asked to share "what happened." To "trust" that they will be believed. Therapy involves opening up and spilling out one's guts to some one who will analysis, examine and judge them. The therapist may suggest "home work" to try between sessions, changes to make in one's behavior and relationships and may even offer hypnosis - the ultimate in trust! None of this will necessary come easy to a victim who has major trust issues!

Under the multitude of conditions addressed above, who would want to speak up? Who would want to admit they have been sexually abused? Especially by a priest?

It quite often takes an incredible amount of pain and failure for males sexually abused in these ways to speak up. Bouts of alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual acting out, sexual shutting down, divorces and financial ruin are common. When it gets to be too much some come forward. Now hearing about it on a regular basis, hearing that others have come forward and have successfully held the priest and church accountable, helps greatly.

How does one get past all these road blocks and through successful treatment? Many find healing by joining a support group. There they can and share their feelings with other men, with similar pain. This can help them break through shame and loneliness which frequently comes with the silence of holding such terrible secrets inside. A support group enables them to try out and build new, trusting relationships. They can usually "test" the therapist and other group members and discover they are not abandoned, not betrayed. Some heal by reporting the crime, even though it may now be many years after the fact. With support, many go on to confront their perpetrators with positive outcomes. Some counteract the pain of silence by publicly sharing their healing with others who need the support or by telling their story in such places as this newspaper. Teaching children how to increase their own safety and, if necessary, report abuses when they do occur can be every empowering.

The journey from victimization by a priest, to survivor and, finally, thriver often takes men through a familiar pattern. This includes the initial buying into silence and self destructive patterns. Eventually individual and group therapy may bring great relief. Many finish the process in couple's and/or family therapy where they, together with their loved ones, finally reach a point of not only inner peace, but also balance and contentment with others. Healing can happen and does all the time.

You can help the process by educating others about childhood sexual abuse. Teach children ways to increase their safety. Let them know that if they are abused it's okay to report it. That they will be believed. That there is help available. Let adults know that it is never too late to heal (men and women in their 70's have come forward for the first time in their lives and have successfully healed from childhood sexual abuse) and that help is available. One person can make a difference! Together with other "one persons" sexual abuse by educators can be stopped and those who have been victimized can heal!